Fortunately, I seem to have returned to it. Let me tell you why:
I want to save everyone.
This is the part of my personality that makes me motherly. This is the part of my personality that says both "you should go out of your way to make people's lives easier" and "you should go out of your way to stop people from doing things that are wrong." This is the part of me that is sensitive and wussy, and yet this is where I find my strength.
That was all very poetic until I said "wussy," wasn't it? Oh well. I think I got my meaning across.
The people I want to save most of all are shygirls, as you might have guessed. But shygirls -- especially depressed ones -- are very difficult to save. We don't ask for help. We often don't think we deserve help. Society allows girls to be quiet and writes us off as "shy" without worrying about any deeper meanings.
And here is the biggest issue: if you stand up and say "I am a shygirl and I want to help," you stop being a shygirl in our eyes. By definition, anyone who can give speeches to crowds and save people with their strength is not a shygirl. If you're up there talking about how you feel, how can you be shy? If you were shy like us, you wouldn't be able to do that.
Standing up for yourself and others like that is a massive hurdle. Once you pass it, you can no longer connect with the people you want to save. On one side of the wall are shygirls huddled unable to communicate, and on the other side are well-meaning teachers and friends and me, saying "we know how you feel!"
But if you're screaming about it, if you're standing up about it, you can't know. You can't understand what it feels like to be trapped in your own feelings. You can't understand what it's like to burn up inside, unable to speak. You can't understand the fear and loneliness when you're introduced to a new group, the thrill of horror whenever group projects are announced, the shaking of your knees when you try to read aloud...
But that's not true. I know all these things, and I am willing to listen to any experience you have had that I have not. I don't know everything, but I'll learn it all if it can help someone.
So I've come back to this blog. I still don't know how to make sure my feelings reach the people who need them, but writing them down seems to be a step in the right direction.
hugs, shygirl <3
