Rejection.

I'm still learning to say no. I mean, obviously I can say the word. I just can't seem to manage it in the right situations. I'm not sure why this is a shygirl thing, but it does seem to be one. Probably because we're so used to just going along with what happens around us that when someone gives us the chance to change it, we panic.

The reason I'm writing about this is that just a few minutes ago, I told my friends I didn't want to go downtown with them today. I think this is a fairly normal occurrence, both the planning to hang out downtown and the rejection. But I don't think my reaction is exactly normal. It's normal for me, of course, but I hope I have managed to establish that I am not entirely normal.

I hate to turn people down. I really do. Part of it comes from me being naturally very motherly, etc., and part comes from my conception that I need to make other people's lives go smoothly. I don't need to speak up if speaking up means it'll hurt other people. When my friends respond to my rejection with things like "but whyyyyy?" and "no you have to come pleeeeease" I feel incredibly guilty. I feel guilty about a lot of ridiculous things, like mistakes other people have made and my grandmother buying me shoes.

You know what? That's not fucking healthy. I have a ton of feelings, and nodding along with other people isn't going to get them out there. The problem is that one side of me wants to smooth things over all the time and the other side says, "fuck that, my feelings are just as important as anyone else's."

My shrink says one side is the depression talking, that what I really want to do is stand up for everyone in the world, including myself. I believe that. I have to believe that so I have something that's not depressing to believe in, okay? And honestly, how can anyone save other people if they haven't saved themselves first?

On a completely different note that I will one day expand on, I want people to understand depression and suicide. The misconceptions people have make me want to punch things. I get angry whenever I hear someone ask why so many of our nation's youth are committing suicide recently, as if they've never heard of a reason someone would do that, or when someone describes a person with depression as "sad" or "disturbed."

Depression is the most common cause of suicide. And guess what? Depression is a disease. It has nothing to do with how disturbed you are or how many friends you have or whether or not you like your job. Someone with depression is going to feel wrong, just like someone with any other illness. The difference is that the flu makes you vomit and depression makes you want to die. And of course, depression is inside your head, infecting not only your body but your thoughts.

Because I am kind of pissed about people being stupid, I have made a list of people who might, at some point in time, feel suicidal.

• Sad people
• Happy people
• Gym teachers
• Seventh graders
• Thirtysomethings
• Businessmen
• Businesswomen
• Cellists
• Me

So, as you can see, this is a varied list. There are so many more people I could add to it, but I really don't have the time or the energy. The point isn't that these people's professions or whether they think they're happy: the point is that they most likely have depression.

You can be a happy person and still suffer from depression. Don't ever let yourself think the depression will take over, because it won't. It's a disease, not part of you. The happiness is what's truly you.

xoxo, shygirl <3