I'm not sure if you've noticed from reading my blog, but that is not always the case. There are a lot of situations I would require enough elbow grease to fill a swimming pool to get through, and a lot of times the American way ain't gonna accomplish shit. I simply cannot just push myself through a lot of things, and this makes me feel guilty.
I can't speak for you, obviously, but I am intimately familiar with guilt. I feel very guilty about my inability to do certain things. This only gets worse when someone asks me why I can't do whatever it is. My answers tend to be along the lines of "I don't know" or "I can't explain right now" or just "I'm sorry." I understand that these are terrible answers and they don't help you!
Here's the thing: they don't help me either. I think there are very few people who find it helpful to be pressed about their feelings while they are in the middle of a breakdown. Therapy is, of course, very helpful for a lot of people! But therapy is different from your mom telling you, "I don't understand why you're making such a big deal out of this," or whatever it is your mom tells you.
I think a lot of people don't understand themselves why a certain thing triggers them so much. I know I don't. And being pressed to explain something I don't understand, while crying, and often while ruining some kind of plan, just serves to make me feel incredibly guilty.
Guilt sucks. So does feeling worthless or pathetic for not being able to force yourself through things. I don't know how to deal with guilt yet, but I promise I'll be back to tell you if I ever do discover a way.
In the meantime, I do have a method for feeling less pathetic about my weaknesses. Remember how I like thinking about what a complete and total badass I am? I can still be a badass. Watch:
If something in a class is upsetting me, I get up and walk the fuck out because I don't need no bells to tell me where to be. Rules don't apply to me.
If I don't want to talk to someone, I tell them, "Listen up, I'm not in the mood for chitchat." My feelings are more important than theirs.
If I can't bring myself to go out with people, I ring 'em up and say, "Sorry your party's gonna be shit without me," and then hang up.
Try to change the way you think about things! Turning someone down doesn't have to mean you're a shitty person who sucks and is letting them down forever and they'll hate you now. Sometimes it means you have too much badass inside you and it just dribbles out until you're sitting on the couch in a pile of bipches and hoes.
Now, I don't know how common it actually is to have the same feeling as I do, that I am a fuckin' badass biker babe trapped in the body of a shygirl. Maybe you don't hold yourself to the same standards or wish to ollie out of depression on your sick skateboard. But I know that, whatever you are like, there is a way for you to look at your situation differently.
hearts, shygirl
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